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Ianto Jones ([info]notjusta_teaboy) wrote,
@ 2008-01-17 01:54:00

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I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Ianto sighs, and rubs his hands over his eyes. He's been sitting on the couch for what feels like hours, trying to get the computer to work to his satisfaction. He thinks he's finally got it; it's nothing close to what he had at Torchwood, but it will work well enough for what he needs here in Margate. He stretches, and looks around the flat. Still empty. It's gotten late, later than he thought, after midnight by now. He's still not tired, but that's not surprising. His sleep patterns have been shot to hell the past week. No, more than a week, now. Nine days? Ten? He's lost count. Not bothered to keep track. No need. The numbers will just keep getting higher and higher, one day after another after another, until he manages to leave.

He stands up, wincing a bit at the stiffness in his legs; he's been sitting for too long. He walks back towards his room (our room) and stares at the bed, contemplating trying to sleep anyway. The window is still open.


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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-17 10:25 am UTC (link)
Dog waits for him at the corner. Margate's having another silent night, no cars, no people on the streets. They stop there, both of them, the house a stone's throw away.

His heart skips a beat as he stares at the light in the windows, the fingers tighten around the strap of his backpack.

"I don't even know what I'd say," he pleads with the animal or himself, for a respite from this madness. He can see it now, the cold eyes, the hard set of the lips and the all-encompassing indifference.

Dog barks again, twice before Krycek manages to crouch down and close his hand around the jaws. "Don't." Maybe he'd hear, maybe.

He thinks he sees a shadow at the window and pushes back further into the shade of the street corner. The thought that it's him--

And then - why does he care. Why does it matter in the first place. It never had. So why does it now. He breathes in and out uneasily a few times.

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[info]notjusta_teaboy
2008-01-17 03:49 pm UTC (link)
His head jerks towards the window as the sound of a dog barking drifts up from the street. He starts to walk over, then stops. There are more than a few strays in Margate, especially this close to the beach.

He sighs, turning back to the bed. He doesn't really want to spend another night just lying there awake for hours, thoughts churning in his head. He turns out the light and heads back to the living room. He hasn't had any luck trying to access Torchwood files yet (Does Torhcwood even exists in this universe? He won't allow himself to think about that.) but then, that's not surprising. Always worth another try, though.

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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-17 08:33 pm UTC (link)
The cold creeps into his clothes. His body's still hurting, a low thrumming ache spreading throughout. He has his arm wrapped around his body, stares at the ground.

Maybe Laytner's there. Maybe the ice queen. He shakes his head. He wouldn't even see him if they were, even if he rang the bell and-

What if he's alone. He peers at the windows again. One light's gone out, the other is shining with tv-blue. He takes a step forward, then stops again. His teeth chatter, nerves or cold or a combination of the two, and his jaw tightens.

Their fingers almost linked, at the beach, the look down look up, whispered words. They'd been standing so close, almost touching. And waking at night, the room dark - and someone breathing right there, sleeping words and movements and touches. Coffee in the morning. And the look of ... just his as he came.

Dog pulls at the leash, front paws in the air.

If that's what you want.

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[info]notjusta_teaboy
2008-01-17 08:42 pm UTC (link)
He sighs as he sits back down on the couch, pulling the computer into his lap, so he won't have to lean over the table. The faint hum as it turns on is almost comforting in the silence of the flat.

The attempt proves fruitless yet again. He can't even get to the point where it asks him for a password, although he wouldn't be surprised if Jack changed it after...well, after everything. He's...completely cut off here. Alone.

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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-18 07:02 am UTC (link)
The cold creeps into his clothes and settles on his skin. He looks back to where he's come from, the beach in the distance and there the woods. He's tried to leave If that's what you want and failed, once more. He wraps his arm around himself and stares at the dark street.

How did Ianto say once, stop running away. But isn't that what they all did in this hellhole. They all want to walk from this place. Run away, and leave Margate and everything they've found here behind. Only a matter of time until there was a way and Ianto would walk back to Jack, to ... someone so fucking perfect that everyone else paled in comparison. How could he ever live up to that, that ideal in Ianto's brain.

And still it pulls at him. When he stood at that ... wall, trying to outrun the fucking misery. It got him there, swallowed him whole. So whose idea of a sick joke was that to feed you all that pain, that ball of something inside your chest that is flung into your face.

He lets go of Dog's leash. Dog runs across the street, barking and jumps the small gate to the house's front door.

He misses him. Just right there in his chest, an ache. He wants those eyes on him again, looking like someone actually cares past the bastard. The soft touches that no-one thought a man like him could want. What kind of fool has he been to walk away from that, the only person in all of Margate or ... anywhere to actually give a fuck about him.

He draws much needed breath through a tight throat and ignored the thoughts that said that it is too little, too late and he'd just go back to that bloody shack on the bloody beach.

"But I don't want to go back there, I want to be here," he whispers under his breath and walks over the street. The night's clinging to his face. It's the cold and the wind that's making his eyes wet. Dog's still barking the house down as he reaches him, steps through the gate and rings the bell before second thoughts intrude. His fingers are white around Dog's collar, as fear squeezes is heart in a tight fist.

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[info]notjusta_teaboy
2008-01-18 07:31 am UTC (link)
That stray dog is down in the street, barking up a storm. He goes over to the window and looks down, but it's too dark to see anything out there. He's heading back to the couch when the doorbell rings. Who the hell is at the door in the middle of the night?

He goes over to the door slowly. No one ever comes to the door this late for anything good, but anyone trying to rob the flat or something isn't going to bother with the doorbell. He unlocks the door and pulls it open. He's....shocked, honestly shocked, when he sees who's there.

"Krycek. This is a surprise." His tone makes it clear that the word "pleasant" is not included.

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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-18 07:38 am UTC (link)
Part of him wants to leave just as he's pressed the button for the bell, but he stays. He doesn't know what exactly he expected, but that it's those eyes again: it hurts, and leaves him searching for words.

He's been the only one that's been through all this shit then.

Dog, meanwhile is almost killing Ianto with affection, jumping him, barking and tail-wagging included.

He swallows hard, and plunges on. "Yeah, it's me." He gives a small shrug. "Can I come in?" He'd rather not talk in the doorway.

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[info]notjusta_teaboy
2008-01-18 07:48 am UTC (link)
He pushes Dog down gently from where he's jumped up on him, patting him on the head. His tail whipping back and forth slaps against Ianto's leg.

He blinks a bit at Alex's question, swallows hard. "What are you doing here?" He doesn't move out of the doorway.

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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-18 08:30 am UTC (link)
His heart clenches, both at Ianto's treatment of Dog and at his words. His posture explains everything he's not saying. After that night, what did he expect really. Ianto cared as little for the rogue bastard as he'd shown then.

His jaw clenched he looks down. "I wanted to talk to you," he mumbles to the floor, wishing he could just disappear.

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[info]notjusta_teaboy
2008-01-18 08:39 am UTC (link)
He leans against the door frame, hands shoved in his pockets. He sighs. His voice is carefully controlled when he speaks. "You already told me all I need to know. I'm sorry it took me so long to listen. What else is there for you to say?"

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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-18 08:53 am UTC (link)
Alex doesn't look up. His gaze shifts to the side, Dog's tail still slapping against Ianto's leg, back and forth. His fingers are curled into a fist at his side. "I- I miss you."

It comes out a whisper. And again, it feels like too little too late.

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[info]notjusta_teaboy
2008-01-18 08:55 am UTC (link)
He raises an eyebrow at Alex's words, barely caught. His tone is disbelieving, although not with the mocking note he might have expected. Just...defeated. "You miss me?"

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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-18 08:59 am UTC (link)
He nods. "It hurts." His eyes clench. He is waiting to have it thrown back into his face. Maybe he owes him that, even if ... a shaky breath ... even if he doesn't want him anymore.

oops.

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[info]notjusta_teaboy
2008-01-18 09:04 am UTC (link)
"Well, now you know what it feels like, don't you?"

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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-18 09:10 am UTC (link)
He looks up then, face tight, blinking against- something. Then he averts his gaze again. "Yeah. I know."

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[info]notjusta_teaboy
2008-01-18 09:17 am UTC (link)
He studiously avoids Alex's gaze. "Was that it, then?"

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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-18 09:24 am UTC (link)
"No. I-" It sounds childish. "I want you back." He is holding it heart out to be crushed, and part of him screams in terror at that.

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[info]notjusta_teaboy
2008-01-18 09:28 am UTC (link)
That's honestly the last thing he's expecting to hear, and it shows on his face, in his voice. "Why?"

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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-18 09:38 am UTC (link)
Not a 'no'. "Because- because, I just do." It's a retreat, and he knows as he is speaking the words that it's too weak.

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[info]notjusta_teaboy
2008-01-18 09:44 am UTC (link)
He looks at Alex, really looks at him, eyes not empty or resigned this time, but...sad. However much he might tell himself that he's better of this way, part of him will never believe it. His voice is tinged with regret. "I'm sorry, Alex. I'm so, so, sorry." He pauses, and takes a deep, shuddering breath, a sob without tears, almost. "You have to do better than that."

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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-18 10:01 am UTC (link)
It's the tone that gets to him, and the regret. He looks at Ianto. His eyes are not wet. He doesn't cry, no. "It hurts so much, inside-" The past week comes rushing back to him. "I am alone. And it shouldn't matter because it has never mattered before. I have killed alone, and I would have died alone and it never ... mattered. And now ... now it just hurts. It shouldn't hurt and it shouldn't matter and I shouldn't miss you or think about you or lie on the fucking beach crying like a child about losing you." His voice gets small. "Why does it hurt so much. Why do I just ... miss you being right there, and just ... being there." He averts his gaze. "I ... am alone," he swallows, "with- without you, and it hurts and I ... want you back."

A small pause, and under his breath. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't ... bother you."

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[info]notjusta_teaboy
2008-01-18 10:13 am UTC (link)
He listens, silent, speechless as Alex talks. He wants to say something, needs to say something, Alex deserves a response to something like that. But he can't for a second, a minute, longer, he just can't, he can't take this coming out of nowhere, and god he's so tired.

He shakes his head. "No..." his voice comes out a hoarse croak, and he clears his throat before speaking again. "No, it's not...you're not..." he trails off, but stands aside, silently, giving Alex room to come into the flat.

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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-18 10:50 am UTC (link)
The 'no' slays him for just that moment as it stands alone after a long silence. His heart skips a beat then as Ianto steps aside to allow him to step in. He teeters on the doorstep, thoughts warring in his head.

He steps inside then, hesitantly, stopping in the hallway not daring to go further. He shivers with the sudden warmth of the rooms. His fingers are white around the strap of his backpack. He doesn't look at Ianto, and just hurts, silently, not daring to hope.

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[info]notjusta_teaboy
2008-01-18 11:04 am UTC (link)
He watches, the cautious, hesitant way Alex steps into the flat, like he's afraid it's going to break the moment he sets foot in it. Like he's going to break, maybe.

He shuts and locks the door, then turns back towards Alex. Alex stops, trapping them both in the entryway, and Ianto gets s first chance to really look at him in the light; it had been dark out on the landing. He looks better than he did after the party, but then, that's not saying much. He still has bruises fading on hi skin, blood and sand and things Ianto doesn't even recognise on his clothes, in his hair. He looks dirty, and tired, and ill.

His voice is soft when he speaks, as though Alex is some sort of wild animal he might frighten off. "Go sit. You look like you could use it." An invitation, although not directly stated.

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[info]alexkrycek
2008-01-18 01:18 pm UTC (link)
The hallway feels crowded with both of them in it and Dog slinking around their feet. He doesn't look up, allows his eyes to adjust to the light and feels oddly exposed in it.

He gives a small nod at Ianto's words and walks to the couch, sits, fingers clenched into his jeans. The time blinks on Ianto's new computer. "It's late, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..." he trails off.

Dog walks off and rediscovers the apartment, sniffing around the kitchen and especially the spot where he's always been fed.

Alex runs his hand through his hair, stops as sand trickles down his neck and clothes onto the couch, and clenches his fingers in his lap again.

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(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-18 02:12 pm UTC
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(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-23 10:20 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-23 10:35 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-23 11:27 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-24 12:00 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-24 12:05 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-24 12:18 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-24 08:38 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-24 10:12 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-24 11:51 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-24 12:12 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-24 06:41 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-24 06:54 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-24 07:07 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-24 07:32 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-24 08:58 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-24 09:02 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-24 09:33 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-24 09:38 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-24 10:12 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-24 10:16 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-25 09:44 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-25 09:54 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-25 07:07 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-25 07:11 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-25 07:46 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-25 08:39 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-25 09:28 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-25 09:41 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-25 11:00 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-25 11:13 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-25 11:18 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-25 11:24 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-25 11:30 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-25 11:45 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-26 10:28 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-26 02:16 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-26 02:32 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-26 06:03 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-27 12:11 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-27 12:16 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-27 12:47 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-27 01:27 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-27 12:22 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-27 07:07 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-27 09:23 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-27 09:36 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-28 12:27 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-28 12:37 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-28 10:14 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-28 10:23 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-28 10:34 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-28 10:41 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-28 08:24 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-28 08:41 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-28 09:51 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-28 10:01 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-29 10:40 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-29 10:45 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-29 10:58 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-29 11:05 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-29 09:14 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-29 09:25 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-29 09:44 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-29 09:51 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-29 10:09 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-29 10:21 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-30 01:45 am UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-30 03:16 am UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-30 09:19 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-30 10:20 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-31 09:41 am UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-31 09:58 am UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-31 05:31 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-31 05:50 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-01-31 09:04 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-01-31 09:13 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-01 02:50 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-01 04:20 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-01 06:38 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-01 06:51 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-02 12:23 am UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-02 12:33 am UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-02 12:42 am UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-02 01:08 am UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-02 11:34 am UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-02 11:43 am UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-02 11:57 am UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-02 12:04 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-02 12:27 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-02 12:35 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-02 12:49 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-02 07:15 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-02 07:47 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-02 07:54 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-02 09:10 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-02 09:23 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-03 01:57 am UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-03 02:02 am UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-03 03:52 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-03 08:21 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-03 08:52 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-03 09:11 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-03 10:44 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-03 11:08 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-04 10:50 am UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-04 04:13 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-08 06:37 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-08 06:53 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-08 07:02 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-08 08:50 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-09 12:47 am UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-09 12:56 am UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-09 01:29 am UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-09 01:42 am UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-09 05:21 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-09 05:43 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-12 02:43 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-12 04:02 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-13 07:16 am UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-13 07:27 am UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-25 02:57 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-25 05:12 pm UTC
... - [info]alexkrycek, 2008-02-25 08:44 pm UTC
... - [info]notjusta_teaboy, 2008-02-25 09:21 pm UTC


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